Bosses love habits. And what better habits to love than the 10 habits bosses love? Fuck!
Communicate, communicate, communicate, communicate, communicate, communicate, communicate, communicate
Bosses want you to communicate, not just talk, but words and numbers and machinations and gestures. If you don't communicate, how else will your boss discover a reason to fire you or have sex with you? Bosses are the angels of Earth.
Acknowledge what the boss says
Whenever the boss says something, become his hype man. "We need more synergy?" "We need more synergy, you guys" then you clap, snap, turn around and break it down, drop to your knees, eat a whopper please. When you acknowledge what the boss says, he can become the Hitler of Staples, and together you can rule all other office goods conglomerates. Then you clap it, snap it, break it heil hitler!
Collaborate
One word? You bet. Collaborate. Have a project? Colloborate! I spelled it wrong because my collaborative spelling partner wasn't here to fix it. When your boss says something, immediately creep on him like a seductive stalker and tell him you want to be part of it. Every Hitler needs a Mussolini. Every Mussolini needs Yahoo article to tell them how to act.
Build Relationships
Love who you work with and work for and work against. Relationships in the work place are thoroughly professional for peers, but bosses can dip their pen in the company ink if they want to. Change the word "pen" to "penis" and then change the words "company ink" to "business fleshbucket" and you've got a sitcom! Check out Edward James Almost and Paul Riser in "Penis Business Fleshbucket" Thursdays on NBCBS. Right after Hitler.
Learn the bosses pet peeves
Bosses have eccentric pet peeves, like the races and religions of different people. Every boss I've had has been discriminatory or hateful in some way (not a joke). I've learned to be a prejudiced chameleon so I could make enough money to afford cable television. Those Italians smell like sauce, right boss. Then I get promoted to Director of Subtly Racist Hiring Practices. Good luck, Ruperto Ric-ans (a race I made up to discriminate against).
Anticipate the Boss's Needs
If your boss needs coffee, sleep in his bed with a coffee maker. After all, you just had sex with him, which you anticipated with full whorish vigor.
I feel like stopping right now. I feel like I'm typing the same shit over and over again, and it's very painful to think that. I'm in a lot of pain. WHAT A FUNNY ENDING.
Friday, May 11, 2012
breaking: yahoo.com changing url to pieceofshit.org
I'm going to make this short, sweet, buttery, chocolatey.
I see this article every week on yahoo. How to improve your job standing. Look at this:
1. Get clear on your own authority.
2. Get aligned with your boss behind the scenes.
3. Know what to say when you don't know the answer.
4. Don't get angry or upset.
5. Stop worrying about being liked.
6. Pay attention to your tone of voice.
7. Get rid of fillers like "um" and "I think," etc.
8. Become comfortable with silence.
9. Drop the defensiveness.
10. Be direct.
It's these ten things that allow marketing majors (the people who didn't lift a finger their entire formative years) to think they're the most significant people on the planet, when all they're doing is promoting brand loyalty to cashews. Here's my interpretation of each in one sentence.
1. Be demanding to the point of obtrusive.
2. Buddy up with the boss by talking behind everyone's back.
3. Spout impatient cliches in the now.
4. Be inhuman.
5. Be a cunt.
6. Speak with an heir of bullshit.
7. The President says "um."
8. Intimidate people with eye contact.
9. Welcome the piranhas.
10. Be unfriendly.
In other words, get an operation that removes the right side of you brain and you will become overlord of Businessylvania.
I see this article every week on yahoo. How to improve your job standing. Look at this:
1. Get clear on your own authority.
2. Get aligned with your boss behind the scenes.
3. Know what to say when you don't know the answer.
4. Don't get angry or upset.
5. Stop worrying about being liked.
6. Pay attention to your tone of voice.
7. Get rid of fillers like "um" and "I think," etc.
8. Become comfortable with silence.
9. Drop the defensiveness.
10. Be direct.
It's these ten things that allow marketing majors (the people who didn't lift a finger their entire formative years) to think they're the most significant people on the planet, when all they're doing is promoting brand loyalty to cashews. Here's my interpretation of each in one sentence.
1. Be demanding to the point of obtrusive.
2. Buddy up with the boss by talking behind everyone's back.
3. Spout impatient cliches in the now.
4. Be inhuman.
5. Be a cunt.
6. Speak with an heir of bullshit.
7. The President says "um."
8. Intimidate people with eye contact.
9. Welcome the piranhas.
10. Be unfriendly.
In other words, get an operation that removes the right side of you brain and you will become overlord of Businessylvania.
Awful pick-up lines that actually worked
Sex is the number one reason awful people both exist and are in demand. ALAS MOTHERFUCKER! DON'T let awful pick-up lines deter you from being one of those awful people! Thank God for these exchanges, proving there are people out there with the standards of a street cat in heat.
1. The corny-but-cute hello:
“This guy who was so not my style came over to me and my friends and asked: ‘Do you happen to know how much a polar bear weighs?’ We said ‘no’ and kept walking, and then he said, ‘Well, it’s enough to break the ice. Hi, I’m Brian.’ We all cracked up and kept talking to him.”
— Charity, 29, Cincinnati, OH
Bullshit alert: Everyone with a penis is Charity's "style." Her name is Charity. She's charitable with her genitals. My superpower is to suck the romanticism out of everything.
Great move, Brian. Ohio must be a humorless abyss without you. This is known as "the corny-but-cute hello," when you say something adultless and borderline early onset lobotomy. A polar bear weighs enough to break the ice, so polar bears are constantly freezing to death because they can't get out of the water. This idea of mass polar bear massacre gives Charity the hots and bothereds, and she's ready for the nearest bathroom stall. Here are some more examples of the corny-but-cute hello:
"Do you know how much a toucan eats?" ... "Two can have sex!"
"Do you know where a baboon sleeps?" ... "Baboonlon! Sex?"
"Do you know how much a giraffe weighs?" ... "As much as those jugs! You won the boob giraffle!"
Wordplay is the gateway to date rape. WGDR!
2. The line with artistic flair:
“I was shooting pool with friends, and some guys offered us a friendly challenge. Midway through the game, one of them looked at me and said, ‘Do you remember Crayola crayons? Well, they used to have this color called Blizzard Blue. It was my favorite color, and your eyes are actually Blizzard Blue.’ I thought it was so cute! He had me right there.”
— Erica, 21, Brunswick, OH
Erica never knew her eyes were blue. It took a man who still remembered his Crayola crayons and remedial high school curriculum to tell her. I hope these two have a child who chokes to death on a Blizzard Blue crayon. That seems harsh, but trust me, fuck you.
This is why I hate evolution. Not because I don't believe in it, but because of its lack of relativity. This group of people shooting pool sounds like the most vapid, disgusting group of muscle bound, fake tanned rigids I can imagine. And they are the height of human fitness. The apex of social evolution. YET THEY HAVE PROVEN TIME AND TIME AGAIN THEY ARE COMPLETELY MEANINGLESS. Name a time you saw a scientist come out of a Bally's Fitness or a Gold's Gym. You can't. Point.
Here are some more examples of "lines with artistic flair":
"Hey, do you remember play-doh....If I had some play-doh, I'd shape it into DAT ASS"
"Hey, do you remember Cabbage Patch Kids...Our kids would look like that if you allowed me the honor of fertilizing your insides."
"Hey, do you remember Mister Bucket.................................................goodbye"
I personally prefer lines with FLAIR
3. The overly confident come-on:
“I was at an office party when a guest of a coworker introduced himself and said, ‘Blueberries or strawberries?’ Confused, I asked what he meant, and he replied, ‘I just want to know what kind of pancakes to make you in the morning.’ He said it with such a straight face that it was like a scene in a funny movie. I didn’t eat breakfast with him, but I did give him my number.”
— Jan, 33, Cleveland, OH
Holy shit. I'm pretty sure this doesn't work unless you live in Cleveland, where rape will be legal by the end of this sentence. LEGAL RAPE!
What kind of pancakes do I make you in the morning? You know, when I have to feed you to keep you alive? But please, by all means, trust me because I am overly confident! You know who else was overly confident? Patrick Bateman.
Here are some more overly confident come-ons!
"Better refill your birth control, because I've got TRIPLETS POTENCY"
"I have pancakes in my pocket. Want to eat them and then have sex with me?"
"WAKE UP! Is what I will yell to you after a night of pancakes pleasures!"
4. The nonsensical approach:
“This random guy came up to me at a party, looked me straight in the eyes and said, ‘Baby, you’re sexier than socks on a rooster.’ I had absolutely no idea what he meant, but I thought it was funny and I liked how unusual it was. It got us talking, trying to figure out what that line meant!”
— Holly, 19, Milford, OH
Nineteen? Idiot. Some guy said something stupid and then two stupid people tried to FIGURE IT OUT TOGETHER?!? Do you understand the potential of their procreation? A new mongoloid to suck more oxygen out of the mouths of REAL, MEANINGFUL PEOPLE. It's inexplicable.
Abortion.
Anyway, enough about me, let's talk about "The nonsensical approach." Baby, you're sexier than socks on a rooster. Roosters don't wear socks! Roosters aren't sexy! College girls aren't smart! What's left out of this article is how drunk, attractive and stupid every single one of these subjects is. Pick-up lines are meaningless when drunk, attractive and stupid people only want to sleep together anyway. This article is full of null.
Nonsensical approach examples:
"Hey baby, you're sexier than an alarm clock and a parachute minus spaghetti."
"Hey baby, the zoo called, it wants it's hot pocket full of diarrhea Topeka yogurt."
"Hey baby, hhhhhaaaaaa meeeeeeeuuuuuu, frufrufrufurufuru whhhhaaaaaa leeeeeessooooooooooaaaafffopop"
Like it matters.
5. The mom-approved intro:
“I was at a local bar one night, and this guy sat next to me and said, ‘Would it freak you out if I said that I’ve already told my mother about you?’ I said, ‘No, why?’ Then he told me that he’d actually stepped outside, called his mother and asked her how to approach me. I thought it was adorable that he was a mama’s boy.”
— Michelle, 25, Erie, PA
These keep getting worse. I fully expect the next one to be "cat-approved whores, it's worth everyone's time!"
1. The corny-but-cute hello:
“This guy who was so not my style came over to me and my friends and asked: ‘Do you happen to know how much a polar bear weighs?’ We said ‘no’ and kept walking, and then he said, ‘Well, it’s enough to break the ice. Hi, I’m Brian.’ We all cracked up and kept talking to him.”
— Charity, 29, Cincinnati, OH
Bullshit alert: Everyone with a penis is Charity's "style." Her name is Charity. She's charitable with her genitals. My superpower is to suck the romanticism out of everything.
Great move, Brian. Ohio must be a humorless abyss without you. This is known as "the corny-but-cute hello," when you say something adultless and borderline early onset lobotomy. A polar bear weighs enough to break the ice, so polar bears are constantly freezing to death because they can't get out of the water. This idea of mass polar bear massacre gives Charity the hots and bothereds, and she's ready for the nearest bathroom stall. Here are some more examples of the corny-but-cute hello:
"Do you know how much a toucan eats?" ... "Two can have sex!"
"Do you know where a baboon sleeps?" ... "Baboonlon! Sex?"
"Do you know how much a giraffe weighs?" ... "As much as those jugs! You won the boob giraffle!"
Wordplay is the gateway to date rape. WGDR!
2. The line with artistic flair:
“I was shooting pool with friends, and some guys offered us a friendly challenge. Midway through the game, one of them looked at me and said, ‘Do you remember Crayola crayons? Well, they used to have this color called Blizzard Blue. It was my favorite color, and your eyes are actually Blizzard Blue.’ I thought it was so cute! He had me right there.”
— Erica, 21, Brunswick, OH
Erica never knew her eyes were blue. It took a man who still remembered his Crayola crayons and remedial high school curriculum to tell her. I hope these two have a child who chokes to death on a Blizzard Blue crayon. That seems harsh, but trust me, fuck you.
This is why I hate evolution. Not because I don't believe in it, but because of its lack of relativity. This group of people shooting pool sounds like the most vapid, disgusting group of muscle bound, fake tanned rigids I can imagine. And they are the height of human fitness. The apex of social evolution. YET THEY HAVE PROVEN TIME AND TIME AGAIN THEY ARE COMPLETELY MEANINGLESS. Name a time you saw a scientist come out of a Bally's Fitness or a Gold's Gym. You can't. Point.
Here are some more examples of "lines with artistic flair":
"Hey, do you remember play-doh....If I had some play-doh, I'd shape it into DAT ASS"
"Hey, do you remember Cabbage Patch Kids...Our kids would look like that if you allowed me the honor of fertilizing your insides."
"Hey, do you remember Mister Bucket.................................................goodbye"
I personally prefer lines with FLAIR
3. The overly confident come-on:
“I was at an office party when a guest of a coworker introduced himself and said, ‘Blueberries or strawberries?’ Confused, I asked what he meant, and he replied, ‘I just want to know what kind of pancakes to make you in the morning.’ He said it with such a straight face that it was like a scene in a funny movie. I didn’t eat breakfast with him, but I did give him my number.”
— Jan, 33, Cleveland, OH
Holy shit. I'm pretty sure this doesn't work unless you live in Cleveland, where rape will be legal by the end of this sentence. LEGAL RAPE!
What kind of pancakes do I make you in the morning? You know, when I have to feed you to keep you alive? But please, by all means, trust me because I am overly confident! You know who else was overly confident? Patrick Bateman.
Someone's making pancakes
In fairness, she didn't go home with him, probably because she's 33 with kids. In unfairness, she probably sends her kid to bed at five so she can have some age fetishist eat pancakes off of her post birth abdomen. DID YOU DOUBT MY SUPERPOWER? I AM UNSTOPPABLE.
Here are some more overly confident come-ons!
"Better refill your birth control, because I've got TRIPLETS POTENCY"
"I have pancakes in my pocket. Want to eat them and then have sex with me?"
"WAKE UP! Is what I will yell to you after a night of pancakes pleasures!"
4. The nonsensical approach:
“This random guy came up to me at a party, looked me straight in the eyes and said, ‘Baby, you’re sexier than socks on a rooster.’ I had absolutely no idea what he meant, but I thought it was funny and I liked how unusual it was. It got us talking, trying to figure out what that line meant!”
— Holly, 19, Milford, OH
Nineteen? Idiot. Some guy said something stupid and then two stupid people tried to FIGURE IT OUT TOGETHER?!? Do you understand the potential of their procreation? A new mongoloid to suck more oxygen out of the mouths of REAL, MEANINGFUL PEOPLE. It's inexplicable.
Abortion.
Anyway, enough about me, let's talk about "The nonsensical approach." Baby, you're sexier than socks on a rooster. Roosters don't wear socks! Roosters aren't sexy! College girls aren't smart! What's left out of this article is how drunk, attractive and stupid every single one of these subjects is. Pick-up lines are meaningless when drunk, attractive and stupid people only want to sleep together anyway. This article is full of null.
Nonsensical approach examples:
"Hey baby, you're sexier than an alarm clock and a parachute minus spaghetti."
"Hey baby, the zoo called, it wants it's hot pocket full of diarrhea Topeka yogurt."
"Hey baby, hhhhhaaaaaa meeeeeeeuuuuuu, frufrufrufurufuru whhhhaaaaaa leeeeeessooooooooooaaaafffopop"
Like it matters.
5. The mom-approved intro:
“I was at a local bar one night, and this guy sat next to me and said, ‘Would it freak you out if I said that I’ve already told my mother about you?’ I said, ‘No, why?’ Then he told me that he’d actually stepped outside, called his mother and asked her how to approach me. I thought it was adorable that he was a mama’s boy.”
— Michelle, 25, Erie, PA
These keep getting worse. I fully expect the next one to be "cat-approved whores, it's worth everyone's time!"
Picture unrelated
Everything about a pick-up line is unnatural; a categorized form of communication. "I probably used that semicolon wrong." Nonsensical pick-up line!
I feel like stopping. Number six is punch her in the face. Number seven is heroin princess.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Monday, April 23, 2012
Arbitrary Power Rankings: Top Ten Athletes to host SNL (serious warning: this blows)
In honor of nothing, whatever:
For those of you asleep and worthwhile in the world, SNL is the premier skit comedy show today. It's the premier skit comedy show, because no one else cares to punish America with another skit comedy show.
The best way SNL punishes America is with professional athletes turned hosts. Here are ten of these and then we can move on elsewhere, internets.
10. O.J. Simpson - The juice is actually hilarious in person. He's not so hilarious in prison. Unless it's in person. Juice hosted in 1978 to bitching aplomb. I just looked up that word and it doesn't apply in that sentence. The best sketch involved O.J. carrying aplomb on the football field to aplomby aplomb. Also the one where he murdered pinatas.
9. Tony Danza - Do boxers count? He's a boxer, first and foremost. Then he wowed women with his manwhore ways and ended up hosting SNL in 1986 and then again in 1989. His best sketch was a wonderful unicycle number in which Danza rode his unicycle through a car wash. Probably the best unicycle number I've seen in my seventeen years of making shit up.
8. Carl Weathers - Do football players count? Carl Weathers has always been pretty awesome, but this awesomeness culminated in a total domination of skit comedy in 1988. In his finest skit, Carl played a rabbit that was allergic to rabbis. I have it on VHS if you want to be my friend for a little while.
7. Michael Jordan - 1992, basketball player, best skit: a craps table played with actual feces
6. The Rock - Twicetyninetyfour - wretstler, best skit: a fish that murders Catholics
5. Ron Artest - Roundball, 2017, best skit: kicking a toddler down a flight of stairs while throwing all of the family pets at the toddler, followed by church lady
4. Charles Barkley - Ball, 1937, bestsk it: old man date party where charles barkley must choose which old man to STRAIGHT UP FUCK ON TELEVISION
3. Donald Quincy the Fifth - Fistfighter for pay, 1847, best skit: the one celebrating the invention of racism
2. Secretariat - Horse, 1983, best skit: welcome to your new job AT THE GLUE FACTORY *close up on aghast horse face*
1. Garry Kasparov - Most certainly my favorite episode of SNL ever. A chess player? Of course he's got innate skills for physical comedy! My favorite was when Chris Kattan ate all of his chess pieces and then spit them out and said nothing but nonsense! Or the one where the cheerleaders cheered him on during 1999's Kasparov versus the World chess match. Or the family portrayal of the chess pieces as homeless prostitutes. WITH A RACIAL COMPONENT! THANKS TIM MEADOWS! But the best skit was when a king and queen ruled until a hand MOVED THEM OUT OF THE SKETCH. JUST LIKE ON A CHESS BOARD. The things I can convey with caps lock!
I hope this frequent posting shows all of you that humor writing needs a quota. Just think of this as an entry in my diary. I really do love all of you. I'm going to sleep in my couch's asshole.
For those of you asleep and worthwhile in the world, SNL is the premier skit comedy show today. It's the premier skit comedy show, because no one else cares to punish America with another skit comedy show.
The best way SNL punishes America is with professional athletes turned hosts. Here are ten of these and then we can move on elsewhere, internets.
10. O.J. Simpson - The juice is actually hilarious in person. He's not so hilarious in prison. Unless it's in person. Juice hosted in 1978 to bitching aplomb. I just looked up that word and it doesn't apply in that sentence. The best sketch involved O.J. carrying aplomb on the football field to aplomby aplomb. Also the one where he murdered pinatas.
9. Tony Danza - Do boxers count? He's a boxer, first and foremost. Then he wowed women with his manwhore ways and ended up hosting SNL in 1986 and then again in 1989. His best sketch was a wonderful unicycle number in which Danza rode his unicycle through a car wash. Probably the best unicycle number I've seen in my seventeen years of making shit up.
8. Carl Weathers - Do football players count? Carl Weathers has always been pretty awesome, but this awesomeness culminated in a total domination of skit comedy in 1988. In his finest skit, Carl played a rabbit that was allergic to rabbis. I have it on VHS if you want to be my friend for a little while.
7. Michael Jordan - 1992, basketball player, best skit: a craps table played with actual feces
6. The Rock - Twicetyninetyfour - wretstler, best skit: a fish that murders Catholics
5. Ron Artest - Roundball, 2017, best skit: kicking a toddler down a flight of stairs while throwing all of the family pets at the toddler, followed by church lady
3. Donald Quincy the Fifth - Fistfighter for pay, 1847, best skit: the one celebrating the invention of racism
2. Secretariat - Horse, 1983, best skit: welcome to your new job AT THE GLUE FACTORY *close up on aghast horse face*
1. Garry Kasparov - Most certainly my favorite episode of SNL ever. A chess player? Of course he's got innate skills for physical comedy! My favorite was when Chris Kattan ate all of his chess pieces and then spit them out and said nothing but nonsense! Or the one where the cheerleaders cheered him on during 1999's Kasparov versus the World chess match. Or the family portrayal of the chess pieces as homeless prostitutes. WITH A RACIAL COMPONENT! THANKS TIM MEADOWS! But the best skit was when a king and queen ruled until a hand MOVED THEM OUT OF THE SKETCH. JUST LIKE ON A CHESS BOARD. The things I can convey with caps lock!
I hope this frequent posting shows all of you that humor writing needs a quota. Just think of this as an entry in my diary. I really do love all of you. I'm going to sleep in my couch's asshole.
Movie Review: The Lucky One
hhhhhhhhhhh
Zach Fuckron, or Efron for short, is the sex sultan of girls who drank too much milk growing up. All of these feelings! He poops angels. He's dashing, intelligent, musky, and "Hollywood white."
Give this serious thought before you lay down a cool twenty to see this pedophilia masterpiece. This movie will move your heart. It will cut you to the bone. Your soul will not be cool with any of this shit. It's one of the best movies of 2012.
Zac Efron plays Todd Hartlett, a carpenter's apprentice from Cumberland, Rhode Island. The movie starts and his parents die in a plane accident. Not a crash, an accident. Todd has to move in with his Uncle, who also lives in Cumberland. There he meets Linda Ingrid, played by Elle Fanning. That's where the story really picks up and fucks.
He tells her he's in love with her. She tells him she's in love with him. Together, they are in love together. But there's a problem. Her father wants to move her to Providence, Rhode Island. That's a twenty minute commute and A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP. Todd wants to stay at his carpentry kiosk at the Home Depot, and Linda wants to write children's books with political slants. For some reason, they can't do that together unless her father is dead. Her father dies of plane cancer. Not a crash, cancer. And they celebrate by knocking fuzzies at his wake. Later Linda reveals she's pregnant. Todd reveals Home Depot fires anyone with kids. Linda reveals she just applied to Lowe's. Todd reveals he's gay.
In a roundabout way, this movie showed me how to be a better man. I need to work with the fine people at Home Depot.
Home Depot is a great place to find all of the necessary tools and resources to improve your home. Thus the name Home Depot. It's a depot. Can't find what you're looking for? Ask one of our helpful employees if they aren't stoned. If they are stoned, discover areas of our store that no one has found in decades. And that is why I like "The Lucky One."
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Yahoo Article Analysis: SPECIAL GUEST FORBES MAGAZINE, 12 Ways To Spot a Liar at Work
Time to go on an office manhunt. There's a liar at work, and we've got to smoke this snake out before it destroys the dynamic of a meaningless office. Here are the twelve ways we can RUIN. THIS. MOTHER. FUCKER.
1. A fake smile (Real smiles crinkle the corners of the eyes...fake smiles involve the mouth only) - Johnson! I want crow's feet on my desk by tomorrow morning! Smile while I am belittling you! ARE YOU INVOLVING YOUR MOUTH ONLY!?!
It goes without saying, but there's no better place for real smiles than at work. Jealous smiles, crazy smiles, that half laugh, half cry smile you get when your world is crashing down on you. Those are legitimate smiles that will not set off the fake smile alarm. To avoid the fake smile trap, try not to find yourself in the following situations:
1. Talking to anyone.
That's right, talking to anyone might trigger the muscles in your face to convey a sense of hidden annoyance shared by everyone around you for everyone around you.
2. Listening to anyone.
Fred's telling another story about how his date rape went south? Uh oh, looks like you have to fake smile and say you enjoy his diligence as a coworker. Could have avoided this by sneezing violently when he said hello.
3. Smiling at anyone.
Why not just avoid smiling altogether? Smiles are weird, creepy, stupid, unusual, toothy, and inexcusable.
2. Unusual response time. When the lie is planned (and rehearsed), deceivers start their answers more quickly than truth-tellers. If taken by surprise, however, the liar takes longer to respond – as the process of inhibiting the truth and creating a lie takes extra time. -
The take home message here is to subject your coworkers to constant surprises. Pop out from behind a desk: "DID YOU FINISH THOSE REPORTS!!!!!!!!!!" If it takes them a beat or two to respond, fire that liar. FIRE THAT LIAR! FIRE THAT LIAR!
But most liars plan their lies and their readiness is palpable. They've been rehearsing the lie in the bathroom like a schizophrenic parrot, and they can't wait for you to ask them about those reports. This time, don't pop out from behind a desk:
You: "Did you-"
Johnson: "YES, REPORT FINISHED NOW. I AM THE MODEL EMPLOYEE"
You: "A-HA! Johnson, I am firing you for your unusual response time!"
Johnson: "Understood"
Talk about a fun place to work!
3. Verbal cues. When lying, a person’s vocal tone will rise to a higher pitch. Other verbal cues include rambling, selective wording (in which one avoids answering the question exactly as asked), stammering, and the use of qualifiers (“To the best of my knowledge.” “I could be wrong . . . “). It’s also been noted that liars use fewer contractions: “I did not have sex with that woman . . .” rather than “I didn’t . . . ” -
Phew, where to begin!?
Don't hire people with high pitched voices. It will be impossible to detect a change in pitch when they are lying, and they will be invincible. If you notice someone rambling, and they weren't born a rambling man, but they're trying to make a living and doing the best they can, fire them. If someone selects their own words carefully instead of giving you the exact answer you were looking for, verbatim, fire them and sully their reputation to competing companies. If someone uses qualifiers, the same qualifiers that in all likelihood originated from a workplace setting, fire them, sully them, and steal their desk belongings. AND IF SOMEONE DARES NOT TO USE CONTRACTIONS, FIRE, SULLY, STEAL, and leave messages on their family answering machine hinting at a sordid affair and rampant drug use. No one. I mean NO ONE. Doesn't not use contractions.
Have you found the liar yet?
4. Under or over production of saliva. Watch for sudden swallowing in gulps or the increased need to drink water or moisten lips. -
Here's my favorite! Under OR over production of saliva. Say you're making out with your secretary, when all of a sudden BAM BOOM GUSH! Quite the overproduction of saliva you've got going there! Looks like someone doesn't love their boss enough to keep her (or his [for politicians]) job.
Liar liar, pants on fire, take off my pants and keep your job.
Whenever someone is talking, watch the inside of their mouth to gauge for proper saliva faculties. Normally, a teaspoon of spit indicates "soothsayer, teller of truths." But if someone reaches a tablespoon? That person may have never told the truth in their entire life. Ask them about "the reports." If they begin talking about the reports, but leave most of their words drenched on your face, you probably have a liar. Take the saliva sample to the lab at your office job. Test it like they did in "The Thing" to find out who was an alien. If it tests positive for liar DNA, your liar will rock back and forth until his neck extends to inhuman lengths. Then his head will fall off and crawl around like a spider. A spider full of lies. Kill it and restore order to your shitty paper goods branch or whatever podunk shithole you rule with an iron fist.
5. Pupil dilation. One nonverbal signal that is almost impossible to fake is pupil dilation. The larger pupil size that most people experience when telling a lie can be attributed to an increased amount of tension and concentration. -
Eye contact is usually a sign of trust that someone is listening and understanding what you have to say. FUCK THAT! Use eye contact to SMOKE OUT THE MOLE.
Pupil dilation is the key to the soul, and last I checked the only reason to hire someone is kick ass dogooder souls that are full of virtue and DOGOODNESS. When interviewing someone, strap them into a Clockwork Orange thingie (I'm not looking up what it's called so go to hell). ARE THOSE DILATED PUPILS JOHNSON. Since Johnson can't respond in kind, fire him? At his interview? Sure, whatever.
6. Change in blink rate. A person’s blink rate slows down as she decides to lie and stays low through the lie. Then it increases rapidly (sometimes up to eight times normal rate) after the lie. -
In my seventeen years in the corporate world, I've learned many things. But the most important thing I learned was FIRE EVERYTHING:
BLINK AND YOU'RE FIRED. WINK AND YOU'RE FIRED. SCOOP SLEEPY EYE CRUST OUT OF YOUR EYES AND YOU'RE SUSPENDED WITH PAY FOR THREE WEEKS AND YOU HAVE TO TAKE THE SIX SIGMA INTENSIVE COURSE OVER AGAIN AT HALF PRICE.
7. Foot movements. When lying, people will often display nervousness and anxiety through increased foot movements. Feet will fidget, shuffle and wind around each other or around the furniture. They will stretch and curl to relieve tension, or even kick out in a miniaturized attempt to run away. -
Have you ever noticed someone winding their feet around furniture as they're talking to you? I know when I'm lying, I start parading my feet under the desk like a loose mongoose. Then I twist them into the drawer like I'm a fucking muppet. As I'm typing this right now, I'm lying to myself and believing this is funny. As my fingers type, my feet curl up into little snails, and the lying causes my bones to break in so very many places. Lying is a painful, misguided pursuit. I miss Joseph McCarthy.
8. Face touching. A person’s nose may not grow when he tells a lie, but watch closely and you’ll notice that when someone is about to lie or make an outrageous statement, he’ll often unconsciously rub his nose. (This is most likely because a rush of adrenaline opens the capillaries and makes his nose itch.) Mouth covering is another common gesture of people who are being untruthful, as is covering the eyes. -
You: What's the matter Johnson, your nose itchy?
Johnson: Yes sir, it literally itches. Also, I ate a burrito for lunch, so I don't want you to smell my breath. Also, the light is bright. Also, I have four hands.
You: A-HA! You didn't eat a burrito for lunch! YOU ATE A CHIMICHANGA.
Johnson: Well, that's a fried burrito.
You: No it's not....it's a FIRED BURRITO. YOU ARE!
Wow, you really showed your employee who's boss on that one. Did you notice how he was covering his eyes? Knock him out and check his pockets for meth.
9. Incongruence. When a person believes what she is saying her gestures and expressions are in alignment with her words. When you see a mismatch — where gestures contradict words – such as a side-to-side head shake while saying “yes” or a person frowning and staring at the ground while telling you she is happy, it’s a sign of deceit or at least an inner conflict between what that person is thinking and saying. -
Uh oh, someone's being incongruent! Is someone lying about their bad day? Bad days are not allowed at Dick Johnson's House of Construction Paper for Adults Corporate Branch LTD.
This is for you liars at work out there. When lying, try not to move at all. Be robotic. When we rich shitbags are hiring motherfuckers to endure our venomous personalities, we want you to take it like a robot. Purge the personal, suck up the emotions, fuck the feelings. Robots are slaves to their human masters. Also, we're team players, and I have an open door policy. If my door is open, don't go through it. I'm busy. Busy firing your ass to the moon. RO.BOT.ROLL.CALL.
10. Changes in gestures. Often times, in the effort not to let their gestures “give away” the lie, deceivers will hold their bodies unnaturally still. At other times, especially after being asked a searching question, you may notice liars accelerate pacifying gestures — biting their lips, rubbing their hands together, fidgeting with jewelry, touching their hair. -
So move, don't move. Apparently the bitch writing this trash will call you out if you so much as breathe.
11. Micro-expressions. Difficult to catch, but if you ever spot a fleeting expression that contradicts a verbal statement, believe what you see and not what you hear. -
Anything. IF ANYTHING HAPPENS.
This list is so detailed, so precise, that I can't imagine working with Carol Kinsey Goman is anything but pure hell. No one's allowed to be nervous, upset, stressed or even happy around her. The slightest hint of any of these emotions could portend to blasphemous work treachery, which is probably a real thing in her head.
12. The quick-check glance. This may follow a less-than-truthful response: Liars will immediately look down and away, then back at you again in a brief glimpse to see if you bought the falsehood. -
Yep, that's what we do when we lie. Maybe we lie to you, Carol, BECAUSE YOU INTIMIDATE THE FUCK OUT OF US AS YOU'RE STARING AT EVERY INCH OF OUR BEING. OH NO, MY NOSE ITCHES, I HOPE SHE UNDERSTANDS THAT I AM HUMAN AND I HAVE A NERVOUS SYSTEM THAT CANNOT BE NEGLECTED ON HER EVERY FUCKING WHIM.
So with these tips and more, you can ensure that everyone in your life will remain a stranger.
1. A fake smile (Real smiles crinkle the corners of the eyes...fake smiles involve the mouth only) - Johnson! I want crow's feet on my desk by tomorrow morning! Smile while I am belittling you! ARE YOU INVOLVING YOUR MOUTH ONLY!?!
It goes without saying, but there's no better place for real smiles than at work. Jealous smiles, crazy smiles, that half laugh, half cry smile you get when your world is crashing down on you. Those are legitimate smiles that will not set off the fake smile alarm. To avoid the fake smile trap, try not to find yourself in the following situations:
1. Talking to anyone.
That's right, talking to anyone might trigger the muscles in your face to convey a sense of hidden annoyance shared by everyone around you for everyone around you.
2. Listening to anyone.
Fred's telling another story about how his date rape went south? Uh oh, looks like you have to fake smile and say you enjoy his diligence as a coworker. Could have avoided this by sneezing violently when he said hello.
3. Smiling at anyone.
Why not just avoid smiling altogether? Smiles are weird, creepy, stupid, unusual, toothy, and inexcusable.
2. Unusual response time. When the lie is planned (and rehearsed), deceivers start their answers more quickly than truth-tellers. If taken by surprise, however, the liar takes longer to respond – as the process of inhibiting the truth and creating a lie takes extra time. -
The take home message here is to subject your coworkers to constant surprises. Pop out from behind a desk: "DID YOU FINISH THOSE REPORTS!!!!!!!!!!" If it takes them a beat or two to respond, fire that liar. FIRE THAT LIAR! FIRE THAT LIAR!
But most liars plan their lies and their readiness is palpable. They've been rehearsing the lie in the bathroom like a schizophrenic parrot, and they can't wait for you to ask them about those reports. This time, don't pop out from behind a desk:
You: "Did you-"
Johnson: "YES, REPORT FINISHED NOW. I AM THE MODEL EMPLOYEE"
You: "A-HA! Johnson, I am firing you for your unusual response time!"
Johnson: "Understood"
Talk about a fun place to work!
3. Verbal cues. When lying, a person’s vocal tone will rise to a higher pitch. Other verbal cues include rambling, selective wording (in which one avoids answering the question exactly as asked), stammering, and the use of qualifiers (“To the best of my knowledge.” “I could be wrong . . . “). It’s also been noted that liars use fewer contractions: “I did not have sex with that woman . . .” rather than “I didn’t . . . ” -
Phew, where to begin!?
Don't hire people with high pitched voices. It will be impossible to detect a change in pitch when they are lying, and they will be invincible. If you notice someone rambling, and they weren't born a rambling man, but they're trying to make a living and doing the best they can, fire them. If someone selects their own words carefully instead of giving you the exact answer you were looking for, verbatim, fire them and sully their reputation to competing companies. If someone uses qualifiers, the same qualifiers that in all likelihood originated from a workplace setting, fire them, sully them, and steal their desk belongings. AND IF SOMEONE DARES NOT TO USE CONTRACTIONS, FIRE, SULLY, STEAL, and leave messages on their family answering machine hinting at a sordid affair and rampant drug use. No one. I mean NO ONE. Doesn't not use contractions.
Have you found the liar yet?
4. Under or over production of saliva. Watch for sudden swallowing in gulps or the increased need to drink water or moisten lips. -
Here's my favorite! Under OR over production of saliva. Say you're making out with your secretary, when all of a sudden BAM BOOM GUSH! Quite the overproduction of saliva you've got going there! Looks like someone doesn't love their boss enough to keep her (or his [for politicians]) job.
Liar liar, pants on fire, take off my pants and keep your job.
Whenever someone is talking, watch the inside of their mouth to gauge for proper saliva faculties. Normally, a teaspoon of spit indicates "soothsayer, teller of truths." But if someone reaches a tablespoon? That person may have never told the truth in their entire life. Ask them about "the reports." If they begin talking about the reports, but leave most of their words drenched on your face, you probably have a liar. Take the saliva sample to the lab at your office job. Test it like they did in "The Thing" to find out who was an alien. If it tests positive for liar DNA, your liar will rock back and forth until his neck extends to inhuman lengths. Then his head will fall off and crawl around like a spider. A spider full of lies. Kill it and restore order to your shitty paper goods branch or whatever podunk shithole you rule with an iron fist.
5. Pupil dilation. One nonverbal signal that is almost impossible to fake is pupil dilation. The larger pupil size that most people experience when telling a lie can be attributed to an increased amount of tension and concentration. -
Eye contact is usually a sign of trust that someone is listening and understanding what you have to say. FUCK THAT! Use eye contact to SMOKE OUT THE MOLE.
Pupil dilation is the key to the soul, and last I checked the only reason to hire someone is kick ass dogooder souls that are full of virtue and DOGOODNESS. When interviewing someone, strap them into a Clockwork Orange thingie (I'm not looking up what it's called so go to hell). ARE THOSE DILATED PUPILS JOHNSON. Since Johnson can't respond in kind, fire him? At his interview? Sure, whatever.
6. Change in blink rate. A person’s blink rate slows down as she decides to lie and stays low through the lie. Then it increases rapidly (sometimes up to eight times normal rate) after the lie. -
In my seventeen years in the corporate world, I've learned many things. But the most important thing I learned was FIRE EVERYTHING:
BLINK AND YOU'RE FIRED. WINK AND YOU'RE FIRED. SCOOP SLEEPY EYE CRUST OUT OF YOUR EYES AND YOU'RE SUSPENDED WITH PAY FOR THREE WEEKS AND YOU HAVE TO TAKE THE SIX SIGMA INTENSIVE COURSE OVER AGAIN AT HALF PRICE.
7. Foot movements. When lying, people will often display nervousness and anxiety through increased foot movements. Feet will fidget, shuffle and wind around each other or around the furniture. They will stretch and curl to relieve tension, or even kick out in a miniaturized attempt to run away. -
Have you ever noticed someone winding their feet around furniture as they're talking to you? I know when I'm lying, I start parading my feet under the desk like a loose mongoose. Then I twist them into the drawer like I'm a fucking muppet. As I'm typing this right now, I'm lying to myself and believing this is funny. As my fingers type, my feet curl up into little snails, and the lying causes my bones to break in so very many places. Lying is a painful, misguided pursuit. I miss Joseph McCarthy.
8. Face touching. A person’s nose may not grow when he tells a lie, but watch closely and you’ll notice that when someone is about to lie or make an outrageous statement, he’ll often unconsciously rub his nose. (This is most likely because a rush of adrenaline opens the capillaries and makes his nose itch.) Mouth covering is another common gesture of people who are being untruthful, as is covering the eyes. -
You: What's the matter Johnson, your nose itchy?
Johnson: Yes sir, it literally itches. Also, I ate a burrito for lunch, so I don't want you to smell my breath. Also, the light is bright. Also, I have four hands.
You: A-HA! You didn't eat a burrito for lunch! YOU ATE A CHIMICHANGA.
Johnson: Well, that's a fried burrito.
You: No it's not....it's a FIRED BURRITO. YOU ARE!
Wow, you really showed your employee who's boss on that one. Did you notice how he was covering his eyes? Knock him out and check his pockets for meth.
9. Incongruence. When a person believes what she is saying her gestures and expressions are in alignment with her words. When you see a mismatch — where gestures contradict words – such as a side-to-side head shake while saying “yes” or a person frowning and staring at the ground while telling you she is happy, it’s a sign of deceit or at least an inner conflict between what that person is thinking and saying. -
Uh oh, someone's being incongruent! Is someone lying about their bad day? Bad days are not allowed at Dick Johnson's House of Construction Paper for Adults Corporate Branch LTD.
This is for you liars at work out there. When lying, try not to move at all. Be robotic. When we rich shitbags are hiring motherfuckers to endure our venomous personalities, we want you to take it like a robot. Purge the personal, suck up the emotions, fuck the feelings. Robots are slaves to their human masters. Also, we're team players, and I have an open door policy. If my door is open, don't go through it. I'm busy. Busy firing your ass to the moon. RO.BOT.ROLL.CALL.
10. Changes in gestures. Often times, in the effort not to let their gestures “give away” the lie, deceivers will hold their bodies unnaturally still. At other times, especially after being asked a searching question, you may notice liars accelerate pacifying gestures — biting their lips, rubbing their hands together, fidgeting with jewelry, touching their hair. -
So move, don't move. Apparently the bitch writing this trash will call you out if you so much as breathe.
11. Micro-expressions. Difficult to catch, but if you ever spot a fleeting expression that contradicts a verbal statement, believe what you see and not what you hear. -
Anything. IF ANYTHING HAPPENS.
This list is so detailed, so precise, that I can't imagine working with Carol Kinsey Goman is anything but pure hell. No one's allowed to be nervous, upset, stressed or even happy around her. The slightest hint of any of these emotions could portend to blasphemous work treachery, which is probably a real thing in her head.
12. The quick-check glance. This may follow a less-than-truthful response: Liars will immediately look down and away, then back at you again in a brief glimpse to see if you bought the falsehood. -
Yep, that's what we do when we lie. Maybe we lie to you, Carol, BECAUSE YOU INTIMIDATE THE FUCK OUT OF US AS YOU'RE STARING AT EVERY INCH OF OUR BEING. OH NO, MY NOSE ITCHES, I HOPE SHE UNDERSTANDS THAT I AM HUMAN AND I HAVE A NERVOUS SYSTEM THAT CANNOT BE NEGLECTED ON HER EVERY FUCKING WHIM.
So with these tips and more, you can ensure that everyone in your life will remain a stranger.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Know your Breed: Boxer
gross
Stick this uggo in resident evil.
I hate boxers. They drool, they have diarrhea and they hit the health problem lottery early and often. Let's begin.
The namesake "boxer" comes from the diarrhea the breed shares with boxers who've just endured twelve rounds to the stomach. Boxers never have solid stools. They have liquid stools that are impossible to remove from the ground. Once boxer diarrhea hits the ground, it resembles your standard bog, with several discernible layers of different viscosities. The only layer you can clean is the top layer. The remaining layers are all shapeless and have already reached their boiling point. Eighty percent of all boxer diarrhea melts into the ground and reaches the core of the Earth. When boxers get older, they have a harder time getting the diarrhea out. If they wait too long to excrete the diarrhea, it burns them up from the inside, and they spontaneously disintegrate. That's why, when a boxer poops, you have to yell to make sure they get all of the toxic poison out of their lazy buttholes. Welcome to pet ownership.
When you purchase a boxer puppy, they are covered in their diarrhea, their mother's diarrhea and the diarrhea of their littermates. You have to give them two baths. The first bath will be contaminated with their diarrhea. You know, like a waterbearthed diarrhea baby. Hopefully, the second bath will prove effective. When you purchase a boxer puppy, you should also purchase a specially made diarrhea vacuum to vacuum the diarrhea. The first day you purchase a boxer puppy, it will be the most adorable thing you've ever seen. The next day? It will be uglier than a sun battered California grandma.
There is nothing rewarding about boxer ownership. Cleaning drool on top of diarrhea and bleeding gums!? Boxers have Type Ew blood because it's not really blood. It's cesspool water. In addition to utter disgust, boxers also have an extensive list of untold health problems. Cancer up the ass, both as a turn of phrase and literally, cancer up the dog's ass. Cancer is never funny, and I'm not laughing asshole, so why would you even bring this up, asshole? Why don't you giggle your way to hell?
Boxers have the intellect of a cheese grater. I once saw a boxer get hit by a car, get up, and then run in front of the same car and get hit by it again, leaving a trail of diarrhea in its wake. Heads like basketballs, boxers have heads like basketballs. Diagram that sentence, Doctor Grammarstein PHDouche. Like boxer diarrhea, I'm all over the place.
Get a boxer at your own risk. Just know that your house will smell like wet death. You'll never have the boss over for dinner, and why would you want to? Getting a boxer is the exact tonic you need for desired loneliness. It's the perfect dog for the homeless.
Also, their lip folds look like Satan's vagina.
Stick this uggo in resident evil.
I hate boxers. They drool, they have diarrhea and they hit the health problem lottery early and often. Let's begin.
The namesake "boxer" comes from the diarrhea the breed shares with boxers who've just endured twelve rounds to the stomach. Boxers never have solid stools. They have liquid stools that are impossible to remove from the ground. Once boxer diarrhea hits the ground, it resembles your standard bog, with several discernible layers of different viscosities. The only layer you can clean is the top layer. The remaining layers are all shapeless and have already reached their boiling point. Eighty percent of all boxer diarrhea melts into the ground and reaches the core of the Earth. When boxers get older, they have a harder time getting the diarrhea out. If they wait too long to excrete the diarrhea, it burns them up from the inside, and they spontaneously disintegrate. That's why, when a boxer poops, you have to yell to make sure they get all of the toxic poison out of their lazy buttholes. Welcome to pet ownership.
When you purchase a boxer puppy, they are covered in their diarrhea, their mother's diarrhea and the diarrhea of their littermates. You have to give them two baths. The first bath will be contaminated with their diarrhea. You know, like a waterbearthed diarrhea baby. Hopefully, the second bath will prove effective. When you purchase a boxer puppy, you should also purchase a specially made diarrhea vacuum to vacuum the diarrhea. The first day you purchase a boxer puppy, it will be the most adorable thing you've ever seen. The next day? It will be uglier than a sun battered California grandma.
There is nothing rewarding about boxer ownership. Cleaning drool on top of diarrhea and bleeding gums!? Boxers have Type Ew blood because it's not really blood. It's cesspool water. In addition to utter disgust, boxers also have an extensive list of untold health problems. Cancer up the ass, both as a turn of phrase and literally, cancer up the dog's ass. Cancer is never funny, and I'm not laughing asshole, so why would you even bring this up, asshole? Why don't you giggle your way to hell?
Boxers have the intellect of a cheese grater. I once saw a boxer get hit by a car, get up, and then run in front of the same car and get hit by it again, leaving a trail of diarrhea in its wake. Heads like basketballs, boxers have heads like basketballs. Diagram that sentence, Doctor Grammarstein PHDouche. Like boxer diarrhea, I'm all over the place.
Get a boxer at your own risk. Just know that your house will smell like wet death. You'll never have the boss over for dinner, and why would you want to? Getting a boxer is the exact tonic you need for desired loneliness. It's the perfect dog for the homeless.
Also, their lip folds look like Satan's vagina.
Arbitrary Power Rankings - Helicopters
Ah! Rotary Aircraft! This is the post I've been waiting all my life to make. I hope you are as ready as I am to stretch the limits of my lack of creativity.
Helicopters were invented in 1832 when Leonardo Da Vinci attached four blades to a horse and whipped the horse until it ran off a cliff. The blades moved a little bit, which is Italian for "helicoptre." So that brave horse was the first helicopter. Helicopters two through ten were also dead horses. Then Robert Ford invented the real helicopter in 1933, when he tied two horses together and put them on a helicopter.
SO WHY THE HELL WOULDN'T I PUT TOGETHER A LIST OF THE TOP TEN HELICOPTERS?
10. OH-58 A/C - A light armored helicopter with serious blade action, the OH-58 A/C is a WOMEN AND CHILDREN destroyer! It's armed with women and children homing missiles programmed to kill only women and children. Tired of the same old missiles that only kill soldiers, well get yourself an OH-58 A/C and take out women and children like a professional. And it's only 137 million dollars. But you can get it now for 347 payments of $394,812.68. CALL TODAY FUCKER?
9. AH-1 - The AH-1 is famous for never working properly. It has a 100% explosion rate. Only the most dedicated, brave and blind(?) pilots take the wheel. And then Jesus takes the wheel and sends them Heaven bound. The inventor of the AH-1 was Colonel Clown Hooper, a clown scientist from the institute of expensive gags. This was his most expensive gag, earning him a life sentence without parole. I think he's a hero who just happened to "live long enough to become the villain." -Me, I said that
8. OH-58D Kiowa Warrior - What a piece of shit. The only helicopter that manages to be both small and bulky, not even the smarmiest of billionaire would be caught dead crashing in this rundown air jalopy. This is the used car of helicopters. Not a cup holder to be found. Blades that look neither chic nor sleek. And non-carpeted floors. FLOORS WITH NON-CARPET. Where am I flying this to, a Motel 6? I'll fly it into a Motel 6. Everyone staying at said Motel 6 would gladly accept the choppy relief of death by copter blades of fury. We'll leave the light on for ya, go to the light.
7. UH-1 H/V - Uh, HIV? That's what it says. The uh, hiv? has thirty seven blades. It's the only helicopter that runs on a Rube Goldberg machine. Once the Rube Goldberg machine runs out of energy, the helicopter crashes, so this helicopter is only used to cross the street. But at least the floors are carpeted.
6. CH-47D/ICH - A transport helicopter that is bulbous of hull and full of wet gas, the CH-47D/ICH is used to transport women and children. Don't let it cross paths with an OH-58 A/C, then it's a women and children showdown of the ages. Spoiler Alert: The milk in my fridge. I need a nap.
5. UH-60 A/L/Q - The biggest rear propeller in the business, sometimes the rear propeller is all that's needed to keep this helicopter adrift until it crashes. Luckily the UH-60 A/L/Q doubles as a drowning device. You'll drown in it. I'm so rich helicopters are my currency.
4. AH-64D - Back when I lived in a nice neighborhood, I used to receive one of those family newsletters from a neighbor. It was a very rich family with enough free time to print newsletters like Guttenberg so everyone could know how much better off they were. What did the father of this family happen to do? He sold helicopters. What helicopters did he sell? I don't remember. But let's pretend it was the AH-64D, which is strictly for residential recreational use. He would use this helicopter to fly high above our neighborhood and drop newsletters from the sky. It was raining an overpowering sense of self-satisfaction. That family is real by the way. And some of them are probably dead. True story.
3. AH-64A - This is the helicopter that killed Roger Maris. What more can I make up?
2. RAH-66 - A helicopter that's smaller than a car, the slender RAH-66 is the model for the batcopter. And the banecopter. And the catcopter. And the CommissionerGordoncopter. And the Alfredcopter. And the dead Twofacecopter. Anyway, shut up.
1. The Wright Brothers Coptorium - Sure, the Wright brothers were the first to flight, but little do people know, they also invented the first helicopter. They used it to watch women in various states of undress. Then when the women heard the creaking and the schlonking of gears, they would tell the women to fear them. Fear the flying Brothers Wright! Then they would fly away back to their mother's house to take care of her gout. History is full of stupid.
I liked doing this for you.
Helicopters were invented in 1832 when Leonardo Da Vinci attached four blades to a horse and whipped the horse until it ran off a cliff. The blades moved a little bit, which is Italian for "helicoptre." So that brave horse was the first helicopter. Helicopters two through ten were also dead horses. Then Robert Ford invented the real helicopter in 1933, when he tied two horses together and put them on a helicopter.
SO WHY THE HELL WOULDN'T I PUT TOGETHER A LIST OF THE TOP TEN HELICOPTERS?
10. OH-58 A/C - A light armored helicopter with serious blade action, the OH-58 A/C is a WOMEN AND CHILDREN destroyer! It's armed with women and children homing missiles programmed to kill only women and children. Tired of the same old missiles that only kill soldiers, well get yourself an OH-58 A/C and take out women and children like a professional. And it's only 137 million dollars. But you can get it now for 347 payments of $394,812.68. CALL TODAY FUCKER?
9. AH-1 - The AH-1 is famous for never working properly. It has a 100% explosion rate. Only the most dedicated, brave and blind(?) pilots take the wheel. And then Jesus takes the wheel and sends them Heaven bound. The inventor of the AH-1 was Colonel Clown Hooper, a clown scientist from the institute of expensive gags. This was his most expensive gag, earning him a life sentence without parole. I think he's a hero who just happened to "live long enough to become the villain." -Me, I said that
8. OH-58D Kiowa Warrior - What a piece of shit. The only helicopter that manages to be both small and bulky, not even the smarmiest of billionaire would be caught dead crashing in this rundown air jalopy. This is the used car of helicopters. Not a cup holder to be found. Blades that look neither chic nor sleek. And non-carpeted floors. FLOORS WITH NON-CARPET. Where am I flying this to, a Motel 6? I'll fly it into a Motel 6. Everyone staying at said Motel 6 would gladly accept the choppy relief of death by copter blades of fury. We'll leave the light on for ya, go to the light.
7. UH-1 H/V - Uh, HIV? That's what it says. The uh, hiv? has thirty seven blades. It's the only helicopter that runs on a Rube Goldberg machine. Once the Rube Goldberg machine runs out of energy, the helicopter crashes, so this helicopter is only used to cross the street. But at least the floors are carpeted.
6. CH-47D/ICH - A transport helicopter that is bulbous of hull and full of wet gas, the CH-47D/ICH is used to transport women and children. Don't let it cross paths with an OH-58 A/C, then it's a women and children showdown of the ages. Spoiler Alert: The milk in my fridge. I need a nap.
5. UH-60 A/L/Q - The biggest rear propeller in the business, sometimes the rear propeller is all that's needed to keep this helicopter adrift until it crashes. Luckily the UH-60 A/L/Q doubles as a drowning device. You'll drown in it. I'm so rich helicopters are my currency.
4. AH-64D - Back when I lived in a nice neighborhood, I used to receive one of those family newsletters from a neighbor. It was a very rich family with enough free time to print newsletters like Guttenberg so everyone could know how much better off they were. What did the father of this family happen to do? He sold helicopters. What helicopters did he sell? I don't remember. But let's pretend it was the AH-64D, which is strictly for residential recreational use. He would use this helicopter to fly high above our neighborhood and drop newsletters from the sky. It was raining an overpowering sense of self-satisfaction. That family is real by the way. And some of them are probably dead. True story.
3. AH-64A - This is the helicopter that killed Roger Maris. What more can I make up?
2. RAH-66 - A helicopter that's smaller than a car, the slender RAH-66 is the model for the batcopter. And the banecopter. And the catcopter. And the CommissionerGordoncopter. And the Alfredcopter. And the dead Twofacecopter. Anyway, shut up.
1. The Wright Brothers Coptorium - Sure, the Wright brothers were the first to flight, but little do people know, they also invented the first helicopter. They used it to watch women in various states of undress. Then when the women heard the creaking and the schlonking of gears, they would tell the women to fear them. Fear the flying Brothers Wright! Then they would fly away back to their mother's house to take care of her gout. History is full of stupid.
I liked doing this for you.
Lockout Review
Lockout starts Guy "Rich People Teeth" Pearce. It's about the NBA lockout in space.
Rich people teeth is a condition. Symptoms include pronounced jaw, over/underbite, and smug'o'clock shadow. That is not to say Guy Pearce is a bad person. He was great in L.A. Confidential, Memento, Animal Kingdom, King's Speech, and Hurt Locker. But this is disconcerting. After 2000, he had a pretty bad decade. And with Lockout, I think Guy Pearce is ready for another slump.
In the future, NBA players play their NBA in space because, in the future, the NBA is illegal. Yes, the reason is racism.
TANGENT! Has any movie ever had a "president's daughter" that isn't annoying? I submit no. The only exception is Mars Attacks, because I can't remember that movie.
The president's daughter is attending an illegally sanctioned NBA game to lead a racist protest against the NBA, when all of the sudden she is kidnapped by Avery Johnson.
FORMER PLAYER and future coach of the Milky Way Motherbitches. With the president's daughter, he had the leverage to legalize the NBA again, and return it to its racist roots. But the President wouldn't budge, because he had been paralyzed by future polio, the polio of the future.
This is where the movie lost me, because I fell asleep. At what point do you stop reading? Is it now?
What about...
now?
The worst thing about Lockout is the President's daughter is played by Liam Neeson's daughter in Taken. At this point, one would think I would look up her name. Meh. Her name is Liam Neeson Junior. Accept it. Guy Pearce has to save Liam Neeson Junior. At this point, one would think I would look up the character's names from the movie. DOUBLE MEH. In the movie, Guy Pearce plays Bullets McChinmuscle and Liam Neeson Junior plays Cynthia Helplessfoot. I hope you're glad we went on this journey together, because I'm not.
It's Bullets versus the entire NBA army, including Charles Barkley's ghost and Larry Bird 4000, a Larry Bird robot capable of emotion. Bullets is there to lock out the NBA. I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND THE SINGULAR JOKE I DECIDED TO USE AS THE THEME TO THIS POST.
The NBA spacestation is vast and oblong, forcing Bullets to use his superior fighting skills to navigate its every corridor. Plus he has like twelve guns. Bullets shoots and asks questions later. Questions like "Are you dead?" and "Is this guy dead?" and "Did I remember to eat brunch?" He also shoots later. In fact, he shoots the President's daughter and then asks her "Are you the president's daughter?"
So Bullets carries a critically conditioned president's daughter around on his shoulder and uses her as a shield. Don't worry, she's wearing a bullet proof vest. Do worry, it's on her head. Don't worry, I'm making this up. "Wait, are you the president's daughter?"
Bullets gets to the captain's quarters to rescue the dead captain after he shoots him thirteen times in the mouth. The captain was unable to identify himself what with all of the gunshots he was taking to the mouth. Bullets then realizes there's no one left to shoot so he shoots himself. Last question? "Why did I do that?"
The movie is rated R for leave me alone
Friday, April 13, 2012
Yahoo Article Analysis: 8 common tax-time GOOFS
Goofs!
"I goofed on my taxes" -no adult
Today's Yahoo Article is chock full of CHOCK. What is chock? It's tax time and everyone is in a tizzy from all the dangerous mathematics. But everything is alright because yahoo is here to hold your dumb hand all the way to your not at all deserved tax refund. Here are the 8 common tax time GOOFZ...
1. Incorrect or missing social security numbers
Missing social security numbers? Yeah, it's a huge problem. You could just ask for social security number of the person. BUT THERE IS NO TIME. The IRS is the new terminator, frothing outside your door with murderous temerity.
IF there is less than no time, you should make up a social security number consisting of your favorite lottery numbers. If you win the lottery, the IRS won't snap your ribs like horny robots do.
2. Incorrect or misspelling of dependent's last name
"This person is dependent on me for their financial well being...how do I spell their name?" -no adult
IF you are about to die, make up a last name, and spell it with "dollah sinz" so they know you are rich enough to be RI$H ENOUG$.
3. Filing Status Errors
Contrary to believing in yourself, there are more than five filing statuses. Everyone knows the single, married, married filing separately, qualifying widower (cha-ching), and head of household. But very little people know about: asexual, owning bitches, married to your job, baby factory, bedridden, stranger abductor, poisoned, married but abandoned rocketship squatters, penis lover but not IN lover, married but thoroughly unattractive and trapped in Maryland, future widower, kid hoarder, underwater, SOME OTHER EXAMPLE THAT IS MORE OR LESS NONSENSICAL BUT DEBATABLY FUNNY.
If you're have trouble figuring out your status, file as a dumbass.
4. Math Errors
This is why software exists, because math should be illegal. Although it isn't really that hard to add and subtract things, multiplication is the rapist of mathematics. If I have this many apples THEN WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO ALL THE APPLES WHEN I MULTIPLIED THEM BY MORE APPLES? This is black magic. So I'm adding things MULTIPLE TIMES. I'm so tired my hair hurts from all of this mathematics. Double check your math, people, I cannot stress this enough, but I am going to stress it more right now and forever. STRESS!
5. Careless Errors
Stop it. All errors are careless. No one puts care into their errors. UNLESS THEY'RE CHILDREN! *internet high six* (I have six fingers total, and I high "five" with both hands)
Try your best not to make careless refrigeraterrors. Oh oops, get it? This joke is my suicide note.
6. Incorrect bank numbers or some shit
God, how dumb are you? Double check yourself before you double wreck yourself! Is it that hard? This is homework that YOU HAVE FOREVER TO DO. And EVERYONE IS DOING IT. You could find help from literally anyone, and yet, you still can't get it right? If you make a mistake, they'll fucking tell you, and then you can hang yourself from the irreconcilable shame.
How could you possibly send an incorrect bank number? It's in front of you. Get it right. Pretend I have a gun to your head, then pretend I wouldn't pull the trigger even if you got it right. Finally, pretend I wouldn't eat everything in your refrigerator while I stared at your cadaver. TAXES!
7. Forgetting to sign and date the return
Are you fucking serious? I'm going to add some more tax goofs:
-Forgetting to use a writing utensil and not a cactus
-Forgetting to not set you return on fire
-Forgetting to write numbers instead of smily cat faces and pink hearts
-Forgetting to mail your taxes and not wet cereal
-Forgetting to sign the return with your name and not Shaquille O'Neal's
-Forgetting to date the return the day of and not claim you are a mercenary from the future
-Forgetting to STFU AND GTFO W/THIS EFFING TAX ISH
8. Incorrect adjusted gross income
I'm out of funny things to type. (I was out at number 3. Maybe 2. Also 1.)
"I goofed on my taxes" -no adult
Today's Yahoo Article is chock full of CHOCK. What is chock? It's tax time and everyone is in a tizzy from all the dangerous mathematics. But everything is alright because yahoo is here to hold your dumb hand all the way to your not at all deserved tax refund. Here are the 8 common tax time GOOFZ...
1. Incorrect or missing social security numbers
Missing social security numbers? Yeah, it's a huge problem. You could just ask for social security number of the person. BUT THERE IS NO TIME. The IRS is the new terminator, frothing outside your door with murderous temerity.
IF there is less than no time, you should make up a social security number consisting of your favorite lottery numbers. If you win the lottery, the IRS won't snap your ribs like horny robots do.
2. Incorrect or misspelling of dependent's last name
"This person is dependent on me for their financial well being...how do I spell their name?" -no adult
IF you are about to die, make up a last name, and spell it with "dollah sinz" so they know you are rich enough to be RI$H ENOUG$.
3. Filing Status Errors
Contrary to believing in yourself, there are more than five filing statuses. Everyone knows the single, married, married filing separately, qualifying widower (cha-ching), and head of household. But very little people know about: asexual, owning bitches, married to your job, baby factory, bedridden, stranger abductor, poisoned, married but abandoned rocketship squatters, penis lover but not IN lover, married but thoroughly unattractive and trapped in Maryland, future widower, kid hoarder, underwater, SOME OTHER EXAMPLE THAT IS MORE OR LESS NONSENSICAL BUT DEBATABLY FUNNY.
If you're have trouble figuring out your status, file as a dumbass.
4. Math Errors
This is why software exists, because math should be illegal. Although it isn't really that hard to add and subtract things, multiplication is the rapist of mathematics. If I have this many apples THEN WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO ALL THE APPLES WHEN I MULTIPLIED THEM BY MORE APPLES? This is black magic. So I'm adding things MULTIPLE TIMES. I'm so tired my hair hurts from all of this mathematics. Double check your math, people, I cannot stress this enough, but I am going to stress it more right now and forever. STRESS!
5. Careless Errors
Stop it. All errors are careless. No one puts care into their errors. UNLESS THEY'RE CHILDREN! *internet high six* (I have six fingers total, and I high "five" with both hands)
Try your best not to make careless refrigeraterrors. Oh oops, get it? This joke is my suicide note.
6. Incorrect bank numbers or some shit
God, how dumb are you? Double check yourself before you double wreck yourself! Is it that hard? This is homework that YOU HAVE FOREVER TO DO. And EVERYONE IS DOING IT. You could find help from literally anyone, and yet, you still can't get it right? If you make a mistake, they'll fucking tell you, and then you can hang yourself from the irreconcilable shame.
How could you possibly send an incorrect bank number? It's in front of you. Get it right. Pretend I have a gun to your head, then pretend I wouldn't pull the trigger even if you got it right. Finally, pretend I wouldn't eat everything in your refrigerator while I stared at your cadaver. TAXES!
7. Forgetting to sign and date the return
Are you fucking serious? I'm going to add some more tax goofs:
-Forgetting to use a writing utensil and not a cactus
-Forgetting to not set you return on fire
-Forgetting to write numbers instead of smily cat faces and pink hearts
-Forgetting to mail your taxes and not wet cereal
-Forgetting to sign the return with your name and not Shaquille O'Neal's
-Forgetting to date the return the day of and not claim you are a mercenary from the future
-Forgetting to STFU AND GTFO W/THIS EFFING TAX ISH
8. Incorrect adjusted gross income
I'm out of funny things to type. (I was out at number 3. Maybe 2. Also 1.)
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Know your Breed: Labradoodle
Labradoodles are the bastard bastard of a Labrador Retriever (perfect) and a Poodle (meh).
The labradoodle is twenty-four years old, which is amazing because dogs usually die at twelve (rimshot?). Jonathan Reesemiller Reese decided that he wanted to watch his Labrador mate with his Standard Poodle, relieving him of "Memphis Boredom." All the stillbirths were fatal, until one little popcorn baby stood a chance in this workaday world. It was a fluffy, curly little lover. It was a labradoodle.
Labradoodles are beyond stupid. Of all of the breeds, labbbararadoodles have the highest rate of accidental death. Here's a breakdown of the top labradoodle accidental deaths:
10. Trying to hide wet dog food in an electrical socket.
9. Cars. Are they just fast people?
8. Every liquid is probably water.
7. LET'S LICK GUNS!
6-1. Wires are just slim jims for dogs.
Dead.
The need for a labradoodle is unknown, as most people are content with Labrador Retrievers being the best and most popular dog breed of all time. Most scholars point to rich people who are unable to accept perfection as the reason. Rich people wanted a cuter labrador retriever that would be easier to neglect for most of the work and social day. Remember, and I will remind of this constantly, rich people don't love their dogs. They never have, and they never will. If you feel bad for the homeless dog with the homeless man, don't. That man loves that dog more than all rich people have loved their dogs combined. Rich people don't love animals. I'm deliberately starting a class war between the two people who read this blog, both of whom are as poor as me.
The labradoodle lacks an autonomic nervous system. They cannot control their heart rate, so you have to constantly tell them to "calm down before your heart explodes, you ridiculous piece of shit." They also never know when they're full, causing them to eat until they simultaneously vomit and shit until you get home from work and yell "CLEAN THIS UP, MAID, AND MAYBE I'LL LEARN YOUR NAME!" The labradoodle also suffers from limited micturition, which means they need manual assistance to urinate. Make the fucking maid do it, you're rich. Is this the dog for me?
Yes. This is the dog for you.
Labradoodles will bite you at the drop of a hat. Drop a hat, they will bite your hand, then bite your hat. I'm not spreading misinformation, I'm misinforming spread. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT (A) B(E)TTER DOG!
On a scale of one to ten, I give a labradoodle the finger and then I walk to McDonald's and eat on a value meal of one to ten. They aren't great at security, which is definitely why you buy a dog, to defend your worthless shit and drug garden. They don't make great companions and they suffer from Addision's disease, which is ONE OF THE MANY THINGS they have in common with the late President John F. Kennedy. The other being beloved by whorish rich whores. MUCH RESPECT.
Labradoodles should be groomed regularly, and by regularly, I mean never. Fuck it. Let the damn dog become a tattered labyrinth of discomfort and pain. That'll show the eyes of an angel who is boss. Subtle animal cruelty makes the babes GO DIPSHITTY. I've lost my point.
DOES THIS DOG LOOK HAPPY TO YOU? NO? I'LL TAKE TWELVE!
The labradoodle is twenty-four years old, which is amazing because dogs usually die at twelve (rimshot?). Jonathan Reesemiller Reese decided that he wanted to watch his Labrador mate with his Standard Poodle, relieving him of "Memphis Boredom." All the stillbirths were fatal, until one little popcorn baby stood a chance in this workaday world. It was a fluffy, curly little lover. It was a labradoodle.
Labradoodles are beyond stupid. Of all of the breeds, labbbararadoodles have the highest rate of accidental death. Here's a breakdown of the top labradoodle accidental deaths:
10. Trying to hide wet dog food in an electrical socket.
9. Cars. Are they just fast people?
8. Every liquid is probably water.
7. LET'S LICK GUNS!
6-1. Wires are just slim jims for dogs.
Dead.
The need for a labradoodle is unknown, as most people are content with Labrador Retrievers being the best and most popular dog breed of all time. Most scholars point to rich people who are unable to accept perfection as the reason. Rich people wanted a cuter labrador retriever that would be easier to neglect for most of the work and social day. Remember, and I will remind of this constantly, rich people don't love their dogs. They never have, and they never will. If you feel bad for the homeless dog with the homeless man, don't. That man loves that dog more than all rich people have loved their dogs combined. Rich people don't love animals. I'm deliberately starting a class war between the two people who read this blog, both of whom are as poor as me.
The labradoodle lacks an autonomic nervous system. They cannot control their heart rate, so you have to constantly tell them to "calm down before your heart explodes, you ridiculous piece of shit." They also never know when they're full, causing them to eat until they simultaneously vomit and shit until you get home from work and yell "CLEAN THIS UP, MAID, AND MAYBE I'LL LEARN YOUR NAME!" The labradoodle also suffers from limited micturition, which means they need manual assistance to urinate. Make the fucking maid do it, you're rich. Is this the dog for me?
Yes. This is the dog for you.
Labradoodles will bite you at the drop of a hat. Drop a hat, they will bite your hand, then bite your hat. I'm not spreading misinformation, I'm misinforming spread. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT (A) B(E)TTER DOG!
On a scale of one to ten, I give a labradoodle the finger and then I walk to McDonald's and eat on a value meal of one to ten. They aren't great at security, which is definitely why you buy a dog, to defend your worthless shit and drug garden. They don't make great companions and they suffer from Addision's disease, which is ONE OF THE MANY THINGS they have in common with the late President John F. Kennedy. The other being beloved by whorish rich whores. MUCH RESPECT.
Labradoodles should be groomed regularly, and by regularly, I mean never. Fuck it. Let the damn dog become a tattered labyrinth of discomfort and pain. That'll show the eyes of an angel who is boss. Subtle animal cruelty makes the babes GO DIPSHITTY. I've lost my point.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Arbitrary Power Rankings - Top Ten Muffins
Muffins. Remember?
Someone brings muffins to work, and you want to sexually harass everyone. Muffins backwards is sniffum. Do you know how many muffins I could eat forever?
Otis Spunkemeyer (I SPELLED IT WRONG PROBABLY) took the muffin and made it deadly full of mass. They come in three packs (of three), for each stage of the coma, and are literally slick to the touch. I once tried to eat one and it slipped out of my hand and into a baby's throat. Honest as the day is night. MUFFINS!
So why not rank the top ten muffins ever? Because it's a waste of time is the right answer.
10. Banana Nut - Here's the rule. If you can take something and turn it into a cereal, then it was never that great of a food to being with. Bananas and nuts are so last year. Food was last year. I'm into eating clothes now.
Is anyone really a big fan of nuts in their muffins? IF YOU INTEND THIS AS INNUENDO, I WILL BEAT YOU TO DEATH. A soft doughy muffin shouldn't be littered with jagged nuts fjording your gumline to shit. YES AUTOCORRECT "GUMLINE" IS ONE WORD! SO IS FJORDING!
9. Lemon - Just kidding. Lemon is twenty-second, but I felt it warranted mentioning. I should mention I have a warrant for its arrest. HOW IS THAT FOR WORDPLAY, YOU SACK OF CHILD DIARRHEA?
Lemons should be useless, but someone out there keeps eating them, and that someone is my dog.
8. Pumpkin - THE FUCK IS THIS
7. Cinnamon - I think? I guess this goes along the lines of an apple muffin, which I can't legally say I'm a fan of. Cinnamon always tastes grainy to me, like I slept in a sand castle. That's not a metaphor, I slept in a sand castle. It has nothing to do with cinnamon muffins.
You ever eat a cinnamon muffin and think to yourself, "This is the seventh best muffin I've ever had"? Well then look out, because you've met your doppleganger, and together we will dopplegangbang all over town. INTERPRET THAT WITH THE FULLEST INNUENDO!
6. Bran - T-MINUS SHIT JOKES.
I like to bring bran muffins for my coworkers. When free snacks are presented, everyone is obligated, NIGH ENDUTIED WHICH IS A WORD I INVENTED, to eat them. THEN GUESS WHAT HAPPENED TO THE TOILET. Email your guesses to 11825code6@gmail.com. Please, no racism.
Bran muffins can taste pretty good if there are nuts, raisins, batteries, or a different muffin baked inside. Yet somehow they're here at number six. It's almost as if I didn't take much time to think this out.
5. Oat - I just learned this is a thing. An oat muffin? I'd rather eat a goat muffin. Or an oat guffin. Or a baby's throat muffin (CALLBACK ALERT). Oatis Spunkermeyer was Otis' brother. They had a long history of rivalry until Oatis died of make believe disease. I really have nothing else to say except MUFFINFUCKER!
Oats are for horses and muffins are for people. Since horses are for people, one would think oats are also for people. The one who would think that? My dog. (DOUBLE CALLBACK COMBO, S-S-SUCK IT-T-T)
4. Poppyseed - WITHOUT LEMON which is CRUCIAL. I refuse to understand why you would sully poppyseed, which is bubbling with taste, with a lemon, which is an evildoer. I'll take straight opium EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Because I am a drug addict. Muffins are my "new drug." Drugs lead you to blogging. Thanks a lot drugs.
3. Bacon - I once shoved bacon in a muffin and ran to my closet so I could have my secret meal corner talk show, during which I interviewed various stuffed animals about their projects as I gave myself the sugar diabetes. I kept the topics popping, the band tooting, and the dreams of having friends on the backburner. It was me, a closet, and FAME. Now I can barely afford to shop at CVS. If these are my dreams, then I would like to wake up at some point, please. I want to be a Walgreen's shopper.
A bacon muffin should probably be first, but remember, I didn't make this list. God did.
2. Blueberry - Unlike cantaloupe, blueberry the only fruit that AIN'T A BITCH. BUCK BUCK
Blueberries embody that perfect harmony between bitterness and sourness, a marriage made in pH. That's a science joke, but most people will understand that it's not funny. Everyone will understand that I'm a lost clown, alone in the internet abyss.
There is nothing like a good blueberry muffin to get you going to hell.
1. Chocolate Chip/Chocolate Chocolate Chip/Chocochococlate Chipolate - If I could paint a room with chocolate, I wouldn't, because I'm too lazy. But if I had Walgreen's money and I could hire a chocolate robot to let me eat it, then I would paint a room with his chocolate robot blood. If someone told me chocolate was in my wrists, I would slit my wrists. Upon learning that I am not chocolate-blooded, my dying wish would be burial in a vat of chocolate. Is this getting too stupid? You're getting too stupid.
I really hope I conveyed how tedious routine blogging can be. I just typed a few hundred words about muffins. We all lost.
Someone brings muffins to work, and you want to sexually harass everyone. Muffins backwards is sniffum. Do you know how many muffins I could eat forever?
Otis Spunkemeyer (I SPELLED IT WRONG PROBABLY) took the muffin and made it deadly full of mass. They come in three packs (of three), for each stage of the coma, and are literally slick to the touch. I once tried to eat one and it slipped out of my hand and into a baby's throat. Honest as the day is night. MUFFINS!
So why not rank the top ten muffins ever? Because it's a waste of time is the right answer.
10. Banana Nut - Here's the rule. If you can take something and turn it into a cereal, then it was never that great of a food to being with. Bananas and nuts are so last year. Food was last year. I'm into eating clothes now.
Is anyone really a big fan of nuts in their muffins? IF YOU INTEND THIS AS INNUENDO, I WILL BEAT YOU TO DEATH. A soft doughy muffin shouldn't be littered with jagged nuts fjording your gumline to shit. YES AUTOCORRECT "GUMLINE" IS ONE WORD! SO IS FJORDING!
9. Lemon - Just kidding. Lemon is twenty-second, but I felt it warranted mentioning. I should mention I have a warrant for its arrest. HOW IS THAT FOR WORDPLAY, YOU SACK OF CHILD DIARRHEA?
Lemons should be useless, but someone out there keeps eating them, and that someone is my dog.
8. Pumpkin - THE FUCK IS THIS
7. Cinnamon - I think? I guess this goes along the lines of an apple muffin, which I can't legally say I'm a fan of. Cinnamon always tastes grainy to me, like I slept in a sand castle. That's not a metaphor, I slept in a sand castle. It has nothing to do with cinnamon muffins.
You ever eat a cinnamon muffin and think to yourself, "This is the seventh best muffin I've ever had"? Well then look out, because you've met your doppleganger, and together we will dopplegangbang all over town. INTERPRET THAT WITH THE FULLEST INNUENDO!
6. Bran - T-MINUS SHIT JOKES.
I like to bring bran muffins for my coworkers. When free snacks are presented, everyone is obligated, NIGH ENDUTIED WHICH IS A WORD I INVENTED, to eat them. THEN GUESS WHAT HAPPENED TO THE TOILET. Email your guesses to 11825code6@gmail.com. Please, no racism.
Bran muffins can taste pretty good if there are nuts, raisins, batteries, or a different muffin baked inside. Yet somehow they're here at number six. It's almost as if I didn't take much time to think this out.
5. Oat - I just learned this is a thing. An oat muffin? I'd rather eat a goat muffin. Or an oat guffin. Or a baby's throat muffin (CALLBACK ALERT). Oatis Spunkermeyer was Otis' brother. They had a long history of rivalry until Oatis died of make believe disease. I really have nothing else to say except MUFFINFUCKER!
Oats are for horses and muffins are for people. Since horses are for people, one would think oats are also for people. The one who would think that? My dog. (DOUBLE CALLBACK COMBO, S-S-SUCK IT-T-T)
4. Poppyseed - WITHOUT LEMON which is CRUCIAL. I refuse to understand why you would sully poppyseed, which is bubbling with taste, with a lemon, which is an evildoer. I'll take straight opium EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Because I am a drug addict. Muffins are my "new drug." Drugs lead you to blogging. Thanks a lot drugs.
3. Bacon - I once shoved bacon in a muffin and ran to my closet so I could have my secret meal corner talk show, during which I interviewed various stuffed animals about their projects as I gave myself the sugar diabetes. I kept the topics popping, the band tooting, and the dreams of having friends on the backburner. It was me, a closet, and FAME. Now I can barely afford to shop at CVS. If these are my dreams, then I would like to wake up at some point, please. I want to be a Walgreen's shopper.
A bacon muffin should probably be first, but remember, I didn't make this list. God did.
2. Blueberry - Unlike cantaloupe, blueberry the only fruit that AIN'T A BITCH. BUCK BUCK
Blueberries embody that perfect harmony between bitterness and sourness, a marriage made in pH. That's a science joke, but most people will understand that it's not funny. Everyone will understand that I'm a lost clown, alone in the internet abyss.
There is nothing like a good blueberry muffin to get you going to hell.
1. Chocolate Chip/Chocolate Chocolate Chip/Chocochococlate Chipolate - If I could paint a room with chocolate, I wouldn't, because I'm too lazy. But if I had Walgreen's money and I could hire a chocolate robot to let me eat it, then I would paint a room with his chocolate robot blood. If someone told me chocolate was in my wrists, I would slit my wrists. Upon learning that I am not chocolate-blooded, my dying wish would be burial in a vat of chocolate. Is this getting too stupid? You're getting too stupid.
I really hope I conveyed how tedious routine blogging can be. I just typed a few hundred words about muffins. We all lost.
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